It's Friday. You've just finished work and are looking forward to dinner out with your partner.
The babysitter has been lined up, you have an outfit picked out and you double-checked the reservations at your favourite restaurant. As you're driving home, you receive a call from your partner telling you they need to work late and all plans are off. Reacting immediately, you allow your increasing anger, disappointment and frustration to be heard loud and clear. You accuse your partner of making work more important than yourself. You know this isn't true, yet you can't stop the words overflowing from your mouth. You end the call by hanging up as your partner continues to apologize.
Later that evening, your partner comes home and you A) give the silent treatment, ignoring their presence and go off to bed early. Nothing gets spoken of for the rest of the weekend, and there's a heaviness in the air as you have now convinced yourself that your partner has chosen work over you. Your partner is afraid of your energy and avoids you, sure that they've done something really wrong.
Or B) you wait up for your partner, apologize for your reaction and explain where your behaviour came from. Most likely your partner will let their guard down, knowing you are no longer upset and, more so, will understand and vent about the pressures from work. You sit and chat together about the situation, allowing each other to be heard and validated. Your partner understands the work that went into the date night and your disappointment. You understand the pressure your husband is under at work.
The issue is resolved and the foundation of your relationship strengthens. You've both been heard, understood, and repair has been made.
It's normal to feel anger, disappointment and frustration within a relationship. It's normal to lash out at those closest to you and say things you know you don't mean. The problem starts when that person hasn't learned emotional regulation, has an inflated ego and is 'never in the wrong.' They aren't interested in problem-solving and repair. They're interested in winning.
The first paper cut has been sliced. It stings, but, with time, it goes away. Then comes the second one. It feels familiar because you've felt this before. It goes away as well. Then comes the third, fourth and so on. As issues continue to go unresolved in relationships, those paper cuts build and build. The resentment of those scars doesn't fade. They just lay under the surface and slowly eat away at your relationship.
Repair within any relationship, whether it's with your partner, child, sister or friend, is vital. It does take being vulnerable, fessing up when you know you've overstepped boundaries, and be willing to apologize. I've seen marriages fall apart because the link has been shattered. One is always made to feel they are in the wrong while the other walks away 'knowing' (or thinking) they've put the other in their place because, you know, how could they ever be wrong?
Not sure where to start? First of all, if you're not used to being vulnerable or are curious to understand your reactions, it's best to work with a therapist or coach. You cannot work on a relationship without working on yourself as well.
Requesting a meeting with the person you're in conflict with is a great first step. Letting them know you want to review the situation that occurred and find amicable resolve will signal to them to let their guard down and prepare to do the same. It does take practice, especially when you are both used to the same patterns playing out. Creating space for new habits and being consistent is key.
Following up every single time an issue arises creates consistency, and with that a habit is formed. This habit builds trust and bonding within the relationship and strengthens the once crumbling foundation.
